I am
a Brahmin by birth. Brahmins in Hindu religion are considered to be the highest
caste among the four castes or varnas.
In
my 33 years and 6 months of existence the only paap (sin) I have committed is falling in
love with a guy from an SC(scheduled caste) category.
Yes, I am a dhabba for
my family and the society I live in.
And
the only reason I am living with dignity till now is that no one knows about my paap.
Yes
I am in a relationship from this guy from the past 7 years and no one knows
about it except few of my friends. The younger generation of my family (brother,
sister-in-law, cousins) do have an idea about it but even they are not sure and
that’s because it’s a little dark secret of mine. Not even our close friends
know about it. That’s because we belong to same profession and we can’t take
the risk of letting our friends from same profession know about us. Same
professions are always dangerous. News like these spread fast and if the news
of this paap leaks
out, we both will be dead (not literally)
My
family like most Indian middle class families is very conservative. No one ever
had a love marriage in my family. Leave my family, no one in the entire
khandan, village ever had a love marriage, but my own brother got married as
per his choice. (I still find it unbelievable). They are happy in their lives,
I am not. And that’s because I am in love with A. How we fell in love that is
not something I am going to discuss here.
Coming
to A’s family, they are a little better than mine. Though
it doesn’t mean they’ll be all happy about it but in the end they are
going to accept it. Adding to that he’s a boy (ghar ka Deepak),
no one’s going to lose their son because he married a girl of his choice.
Eventually they’ll accept it.
As for me, a girl, I’ve to make a
choice- either my love or my family.
And
I can’t choose my love as I can’t let my parents die. I am a coward, if that’s
what you call me. I’ve tried to change them indirectly many times, I’ve tried
to get their opinion and now I know, it’s impossible to expect that they’ll any
day accept it. Leave their acceptance; they’ll die of shame if their daughter
does something like that. I can go against the society but not against my
parents, not against the ones who gave me life. And I am sorry for that, sorry
to everyone who thought I’ll make a different decision.
Sorry, I can’t bring a change in the
society by killing my parents, their hopes, their aspirations.
I
was born a Brahmin and it wasn’t my fault. I am not religious, but I am not an
atheist too. I do believe in god. But I don’t believe in unnecessary customs or
practices going on in the society in the name of culture. It’s their belief not
mine. I want to be independent. I believe in equality in terms of religion,
race, caste or sex. The ones showing off in the name of religion is just
not me. I don’t know why no one has a right to decide whom they want in their
lives and whom they don’t.
My
mother says that love marriages never work. May be they don’t, but who says
arranged marriages are always happier. May be someday I’ll have differences
with A and we’ll break up (most of the times the reason is we don’t have any
future!), but that would be my
choice. Yes, we fight a lot and may be
this time is the last time we are together but he was never wrong alone. I was
wrong too. And
it was just our decision. Who guarantees I’ll be happy with the
guy I’ll never meet and just marry for my parent’s sake.
And
the truth is I never had a choice in my life. They decided my school, my
college, the way I’ll dress, the places I can go, the things I can do and the
things I can’t. And I was a good girl till I fell in love but that wasn’t
something I planned. It just happened. I avoided it to the best of my efforts
but eventually I had to admit that I had feelings for him. I left him many
times. I’ve hurt
him and in this process of denying this love I’ve hurt myself countless times. But I never
promised him that we’ll be together. That was my condition. I never assured him
of any future, because I know my family. They can accept my decision of
spending my entire life alone but not with a guy from the other caste. It’s not
like they’ll kill me or anything but if I ever choose him, I know they’ll die
and I can’t let something like that happen.
It hurts to call the most beautiful
part of your life a paap but I’ve no other choice. I’ve tears
in my eyes when I am writing this, yet again I’ve no choice.
So
this is for you A (if you ever read this in your lifetime):
I don’t know
for how long we’ll be together but I’ll love you till the end of time. No
caste, no religion can ever erase the love and the memories we’ve had
and we’ll make. I won’t ask you ever to spend your life alone and wait for me
all your life. I want to see you happy. I want to see your kids with those
small eyes (yes, I won’t stop teasing you for your eyes in this serious post
too), same as you have and I promise I won’t feel bad because this would be the
second choice I’ll ever make in my life- this choice of not being with
you.The first was
when I made a choice to love you.
